Please Don't Settle!

Do you ever wonder about your marriage? Do you ever think about where your marriage is and think is this as good as it gets? Do I just need to be content with this?

I had a friend contact me the other day asking these things. She has been married for over half her life now. Her husband is what you would consider a "good man," by many people's standards. Their home flows and functions and they move through each day.

He works; she works. He does things around the house; she does things around the house. He helps with the kids; she helps with the kids. They have sex regularly.

On a daily basis, they do what they need to do. They get the to-do list boxes checked off and meet the deadlines, bringing home the bacon and paying the bills to enjoy their "American dream."

From the outside, it looks like everything is fine. They don't scream and fight in front of everybody. They are pleasant. They go to church. They lead in the church. Their children are sweet, beautiful, well-dressed and groomed kids. They are obedient and respectful to others.

Everything seems good. So, why is she asking me these questions?

Because when they finally got away for a much-needed break from the busy life and all the daily requirements, she realized they didn't know how to be together. 

When the kids were taken out of the equation...when there was no string of daily tasks to do and they were left with quiet, calm, time together, they didn't know how to handle it.

This prompted her to ask is this as good as it gets? Do I just need to be content with what we do have?

It pained me to have to sit there pondering how to answer this question. On one hand, I wanted to tell her to just be thankful for what she has because so many don't even have that. But, on the other hand, I wanted to shout, "Noooooo!"

In the end, I did say, "No, that's not as good as it gets. Don't settle." 

Of course, I did say more than that and we are still talking, but in short, I had to say what I knew to be God's truth.

You see, my husband and I have done it that way. We have merely coexisted, but we have also worked very hard to get past difficult things and learned to communicate effectively. We have together decided that we aren't going to settle for just doing life under the same roof.

My husband and I have decided to continue to learn about one another, to not be afraid of making each other mad, rubbing the other the wrong way, saying what needs to be said to bring understanding. We have watched other couples, and we talked it over. We have no desire to be a couple who has no friendship.

When we get away from the kids and life's daily responsibilities, we actually enjoy being together. We still have things to talk about. We like to go to new places and see new things together. We discuss what it will be like when our children leave our home. We don't dread that season. We think about all the things we can enjoy together.

So, when my friend asked me if what she has is as good as it gets, I had to truthfully say no, no it's not and I don't believe God wants anyone to settle for a marriage like that.

Does God want you to be content? Yes. Yes, in all things and situations. But that doesn't mean to settle and never pursue how to love fully and passionately.

Be Bold!

Good Wednesday to you friends :)

Just a bit ago I received a text from my hubby that said, "Praying for you."

There is probably nothing that Tom does for me that means more than praying for me.

That wasn't just a random text.  That was a reminder that he heard what I conveyed through a text to him last night.

I am going to a pretty big check-up today to see how all the surgery stuff is coming along.  Ever since my surgery in July, I've been dealing with some anxiety attacks when I go into doctor offices.

It doesn't matter how much I tell myself everything is okay and to calm down.  My body just physically has been responding with shaking and sweating and my heart races.

Tom has been with me and witnessed this, so when I sent the text last night before bed to pray for me as I go to the doctor tomorrow, he didn't just respond with, "ok" or "I will."  He responded with an actual prayer that I could read.

Then today, as he is in another state with work that is probably consuming his brain, he took the time to stop and text me that he is praying for me.  Right then and as I go...and as he works...

I don't know that I can even express why this means so much to me. Of course we all like to know we are thought about during someone's day and that we mean enough that they would stop just to let us know, but what this makes me feel is beyond that.

There is just something so sweet to my soul that I experience when Tom prays for me.  To me, when he lays his hand upon me and calls out to the God of the universe on my behalf, allowing me to hear his inward thoughts, I don't know...it's just so intimate to me...more than anything else.

Hearing Tom pray fills me with hope, peace, and security.  

I really enjoy when he surprises me with a gift that he remembers I mentioned I would like.  I love when, even though he is tired himself, he will clean up the kitchen after I've cooked or just had a long day.  But, when he prays over me, it just blesses me in ways like nothing else can.

Maybe it's because the position of prayer to God is so vulnerable. Maybe it's because men don't often easily let us hear what they feel. Maybe it's just because it makes me feel like I'm pretty special to him that he will take the time to go to God on my behalf.

All I know is that it is like the best gift...the best kiss...the sweetest surprise...all rolled into one and my soul feels like it is bursting with love.

I remember a time when Tom told me it was hard for him to pray with me because I love to pray and he thinks I do it "better" than him.  Of course, that made me chuckle, but it was a real roadblock for him.  After I explained how his praying over me made me feel, he began to do it more and more.

So, today, I challenge you to take the time to push past awkward, throw off self-consciousness, and let your spouse hear you cry out to God on their behalf.  

I truly believe this is one of the most powerful things a husband and wife can do together to bring unity in their marriage...which extends to their family, friends, church, community...

Be bold today! 

A Matter of Choice

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I entered into a discussion while out driving.  It didn't last all that long, but it sure accomplished much for my heart and hopefully for his as well.  It brought understanding and showed us how to pray for one another.

I had to say some things that I wasn't sure he would take well.  I mean, I always know that I'm blessed with a man who listens more than he talks...who seeks to understand me...who thinks before he speaks (sometimes so long that I wanna smack him! :)...who truly wants to do what is best for others and himself.

But, even after 20 years of being together, I still get nervous to say things sometimes.  I wonder if he does too.

I wasn't always good at just coming forth and saying what I was thinking or feeling.  From past experiences, I was afraid of rejection or attack and trapped in insecurity.  Wow, when I think back on how much easier our marriage relationship would have been if I could have communicated better!

It's been a lot of work to get to where we are.  Well, more like a lot of choices.  I've been speaking to some women and girls lately about just pushing past what feels awkward and choosing to do what needs done.

If we could all get to a place where we could speak the truth in love with one another!  Shew...can you even imagine how much better life would be?

That in love phrase is the kicker part though, isn't it?  

Many of us, if we can be brave enough to speak up, usually don't do it "in love."  It is usually in haste or disgust or frustration...

I found myself wondering today how different the drive Sunday with my sweetheart would have been if either of us hadn't chosen to speak in love.

I bet we wouldn't have come to the realizations and resolutions we did.  I bet one of us would have cried.  (Of course I mean Tom!)  I bet our kids would have felt that sick-to-your-stomach feeling I always felt (and still feel when people get ugly with each other).

How much different would our home be if we hadn't taken the time to learn what we have from leaders and books and friends and each other???

I look around me and see so many people in turmoil.  

I see men who look like they are brooding and angry at the world, dreading to walk into their home each night.

I see women with pursed lips and glaring eyes and hear their mumbling under their breath toward their husbands.

I see children who look like they are holding back tears and scared to utter a word or do something wrong...like they have to walk on eggshells all the time so they don't play a part in rocking the boat.

My husband and I aren't amazing people.  We aren't doing anything that others can't do.  We just chose to learn how to handle ourselves differently.  Then we chose to humble ourselves and walk out what we learned.

Sure we mess up.  We certainly don't always agree.  We just love each other and our children enough to stay determined to have a happy home.  

No matter what that takes or how we have to crucify our selfishness, we are resolute in this stand for our family.

Some things really are a matter of choice.

No Greater Love

It is now August! We've been out of the loop for a while... getting ready for my surgery, dealing with my surgery, and surviving through my recovery.

I'll share more details about the surgery on our family blog, but what I'd like to say here, on this blog about our marriage, is that I am blessed with a wonderfully caring husband.

In short, there was a complication in my surgery that, in a matter of moments, took my recovery from one level of neediness to quite another.

Tom is my rock. He keeps me grounded, focused, and calm when chaos ensues.

He never showed anxiety through this whole ordeal. A lot of that is just his natural personality and the result of being raised in strong faith and not fear. However, even in times when things have unnerved him, he just stays peaceful under pressure with me. It's such a gift to a wife who has struggled with anxiety for so long.

There were moments during this surgery season when my body was literally quaking and my mind felt like a fog had set in for the duration! I felt confused and weak, overwhelmed and exhausted.

And no matter what, there he would be...my husband, ever present in my time of need.

He would speak. He would gently touch me. He would pray over me. He would bring my focus back and calm me down, reassuring me that everything would be okay...that I would be okay and that I was not alone.

A complete hysterectomy with the complication of an accidently severed ureter has been a humbling and hard experience. To have someone so resolute and compassionate by my side made this whole thing much easier to endure.

My husband has served me in every way imaginable in a recovery, and he has done so with a joyful heart. Even when I was snippy with my tongue from pain or melting down in tears through a hormonal sweat, Tom has been nothing but loving and patient.

He has bathed me, fed me, massaged my aching body, changed me, emptied a catheter bag...he has "washed my feet."

I have thanked him many times. His response: "I'm just trying to do what I believe you would do for me. "

And I would do all those things for him. That's what makes our marriage what it is. There's nothing magical about it. There's nothing we do that others cannot. We simply choose to lay down our life for our friend. Greater love has no one than that.

I rejoice that we have learned this lesson because it sure makes weathering life's storms much easier!

Thank you my love. 

I treasure you.

I Was Injured...Injured Bad!

Ever wonder how even just one comment can cut you to the quick?

The other day we journeyed out as a little family to run some errands, buy some boy shorts for the ever-growing weeds, and have some lunch...you know, an actual sit-down-as-family meal (because with a traveling hubby/daddy that doesn't happen often for us).

It's not enough that it's so scorching hot outside and just walking from a building to the vehicle makes your clothing damp.  Or...that the children still pick at each other in the backseat.  Noooo, then your knight in shining armor has to go and say something that sounds rude as all get out and makes your head about snap off as you whip it around to give him the glare of death!

Are you kidding me???  Did you really just say that to me?

It never ceases to amaze me all the horrid thoughts that run through a human head in a matter of seconds!

Wow, words are powerful.  Throw in tone of voice and facial expression and you can have a real whopping good time of injury!

Of course throw in agitation from hormonal sweating and mood swings and the fighting children and you can also have a whopping misunderstanding.

Well, I hope the man can at least be thankful that I react better than I use to :)  Poor ole thing.  I don't know how he puts up with me. (But he best not say that again!)

:) :) :) :)

(Tom, if you read this, picture me with my hand over my heart in pain please! bhaaaaa)

Like A Comfy Shoe

So husband and I just returned from the posh trip he earned at a stunning Mexican Riviera resort. My oh my was that place something!

It was great to have nearly a week alone together without the distractions and busy schedules of real life.

I think what I love most about times like that is seeing how much we enjoy being together just as a couple. It's very easy to get so caught up in the daily grind that you lose any real depth of friendship with your spouse. It's like after children come along, most of your conversations and interaction is around them or about them.

It takes devoted intention by both people to remain connected and intimate. I really believe the work my husband has always done has helped us to remain dedicated. For years, he went to sea for months at a time and now he is gone the majority of the week. We quickly realized that we didn't want the time we do have together to be filled with fighting over trivial things or wasted.

As we were together on the trip, hanging out with his coworker, whose wife walked out on him after 25 years, we both found ourselves feeling very thankful.

We agreed that it was nice being with someone we are so comfortable with. We don't want to date again or get used to another person. We enjoy what we have...like an ole comfy shoe!

And I love that there are still things I'm learning about the man I have treasured for twenty years of my life!

Marriage is so beautiful when both parties are willing to give it their all.

Humility & Forgiveness

After Tom and I went through the initial hurt in the beginning of marriage, I had a lot of work to do with the Lord regarding my heart.

You see, I felt like I wasn't enough.  

If I had been prettier, smarter, thinner... then maybe he wouldn't have made the choices he did, and I wouldn't be hurting!

I beat myself down.  Every insecurity I had ever carried came bubbling to the surface.  I felt disgusting.  And to be honest, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt like he settled for me instead of chose me.  

Everybody wants to be chosen.  Even God.

At that time, I really did not have a clue why Tom married me.  I couldn't figure it out.  His younger sister was one of my closest friends since we were young, so all I could come up with is that he must have thought he wanted to marry me, then realized I wasn't really what he wanted, but then felt too bad to hurt me by calling it off!!!  I know, it doesn't make much sense now, but I somehow convinced myself that was the truth then.  

I thought about calling it off myself, but then thought about how God hates divorce and how disappointed people would be in us.  So, I just resigned myself, thinking I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it...literally.

I had the ridiculous notion that I could pretend...just be numb and go through the motions, forever if need be.  Of course that was unsustainable!  At some point, you have to be human and not robotic!  Eventually I just became very angry and began to slip into an isolating depression.

I knew I had to do something, and you have to know that I was not going to trust anyone to truly help me.  Who could I trust and believe at that point!  I somehow ended up buying a book about forgiveness.  Something on the cover about "Not forgiving will hold you hostage!" got my attention.  No one was going to keep me bound.  NO ONE.

I remember that book made me cry.  A lot.  All the anger gave way to grief and mourning over what I thought we had.  

I didn't want to forgive Tom.  Forgiving him felt like I was saying what he did was no big deal and he didn't have to pay for it!

I wanted him to pay.  I wanted him to hurt like I hurt.  I wanted him to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it.  I wanted him to squirm and wonder if at some point all of it would come back to bite him in the butt!

I was NOT in a good place.  It makes me so sad to think back on it all now.

Finally, I got to the part of that stinkin' book that said basically, "Who are you to withhold forgiveness when your sin is just as despicable and you want others to forgive you!"

OUCH!

Ok...I had some forgiving to do for multiple reasons.

I came to understand forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is NOT saying what was done to me was okay.  It wasn't letting my perpetrators off the hook; it was about setting myself free!

Some days I had to say aloud several times...every time a hurtful thought came...that I forgive my husband and ask the Lord to bless him.

That's a key:  asking the Lord to bless the other person.

Talk about learning humility.  Ugh!    

Humility & Transparency

Humility and Transparency

That's what makes a strong relationship.

In the context of marriage, or even engagement, this combination allows a couple to scale the walls that sin and shame try to erect.

I was 19 when I married, and Tom was 25.  I don't think he would have picked such a young bride, but God had other plans. :)

We prepared for our wedding in 7 weeks, and the day after we tied the knot, we started driving toward Washington.  It was a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation...along with some trepidation for both of us I believe.

The unknown was before us, and we thought we were ready for the great adventure.

Enter real life.

One month into our marriage, it all seemed to be falling apart.  You see, I had a dream one night that was very upsetting and come to find out, there was much truth to it in my husband's life.

I will leave the details for him to share if he ever wants to, but suffice it to say, I was hurt deeply and questioning if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

Being the youngest of three children and the only girl in my family, I did live quite a "fairy-tale" life.  My brothers are much older than me, and my parents worked very hard to give me everything I could want or need.  My home wasn't "issue-free," but I was blessed.

You can imagine then, after leaving my daddy's home, where heaven and earth was moved to take the best care of me, the thought of my Knight In Shining Armor doing anything hurtful or betraying me was devastating and rocked me to my core.

Was I naive?  You better believe it.  I think we do a sad injustice to our daughters and sons not preparing them well for reality.  I'm not saying we should crush their hopes and dreams, but give them a more accurate picture for sure.  Sadly, many of these things are not spoken about like they need to be!

I guess I thought that Tom and I would have our junk, but it would be "little, no-big-deal junk."  

What had occurred was pretty big, and it sent me into self-protection mode.  I felt like I didn't really know the guy I had just married.  I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore...not really anyway.  Oh, I wouldn't say that to them, but the guard was up in my mind and it would stay up for years to come.

I'm so thankful now that Tom and I stayed together.  I know we cared for one another, but I think pride kept us there more than anything, especially more than true 1 Corinthians 13 love.  I think we were more concerned with what others would say and think if we divorced.  But, thankfully, below the hurt and deception there was a seed of true affection on which to build.  It was a start.

Humility and transparency began to come, but it would be years before we would walk in it daily.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I have to purposefully look for the blessing and joy of our circumstances.

My honey works out of town a lot as I have mentioned before on this blog.  I miss his presence.  I miss everything that is him...well, probably not the little trails of messes he leaves around, but everything else :)

This week, he didn't get back in town until late afternoon on Saturday.  We had a dinner after church yesterday, so that took up a bulk of our day.  He came home and fixed computers and put things in order so the boys and I could keep moving along with schoolwork.  He also had to unpack, wash clothes, and repack.

By the time we got to bed last night, I could barely hold me eyes open.  He was up and gone before I ever awoke this morning.

Weeks like this really wear on me and the kids, and I can only assume they wear on Tom as well.

We both have so many responsibilities to keep up with and though we try to be good about saying no and setting boundaries and keeping the most important things top priority, it is hard!

I got up and exercised this morning, trying to be diligent to take the best care of myself since I deal with some chronic illness.  I showered and met with the Lord and then started cleaning up the house.  Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, making the bed... 

The vacuum stopped working correctly.  Cabinet doors are falling off hinges.  The carpet needs stretched because I am tripping over portions of it that are lifting.  Every cabinet and drawer really needs cleaned out, wiped down, and organized again.  I sweep.  I mop.  I drop something and then see the floor closer.  GROSS.

I start to get agitated, feeling like I live in a pig sty, while logically telling myself to chill out because I have a very nice home, clean, running water, working vehicles, a sound income...

Do you ever feel that war in yourself?  Agitated and frustrated, yet knowing you should be walking in utter thanksgiving and your problems are really no big deal on the scale of life?!!!

And really...like I want to ask my husband to do one more thing after he has driven hundreds of miles in a week and worked for hours!

It's one of those days when I battle inside being so thankful for all we have and all my husband is willing to do and just wanting him to be around more.

Help me be thankful today Father.

Where Intimacy Begins

Laying down one's life for others is often not easy or enjoyable.

I spoke in the last post about how my husband does this for me on a regular basis by pushing aside what he wants in order to help me.  He works hard at trouble-shooting problems in blood analyzers in hospital labs.  He also drives for long hours in between accounts.  Meanwhile, I homeschool our three sons, get them to all their appointments, and keep the house going.  

By Friday, we are both tired.  We both just want to chill and rest.  But, we also have these boys full of energy and desires to be with friends and do things with their parents together.

It's tricky to make all this run smoothly some weeks.  I want to stop being the disciplinarian when dad comes in and the last thing dad wants to do is bring down the hammer on the kids he loves and hardly sees.

Things like this that arise in a marriage require good, intentional, consistent communication.

It would be very easy for me to get bitter and have a chip on my shoulder about Tom's work schedule (and I have before).  I could even become demanding or give ultimatums about him finding another job.  The thing is that I know Tom loves what he does.

I have watched so many people over the years just hate what they have to do each day to put food on the table, and I just don't ever want to see my husband endure that.  I think that may lead him to become bitter toward me for staying home and not working.

Tom and I prevent these things from creeping in our relationship by committing to one another to share what we are feeling and to try our best to understand even if it isn't a big deal to us individually.

Sometimes just being able to voice your stresses and concerns and have the person you love and trust the most listen, care and validate your feelings can make things better.

I know so many wives that live in fear of telling their husband things. They fear his reaction to them...that they will be yelled at, told they are stupid, asked, "Well, what do you expect me to do?" in a spiteful and nasty tone.  

I know husbands that fear their wife screaming and throwing things or belittling them.

This isn't God's plan for marriage and never has been.

In the book of James, we are told that the basis of all quarrels is selfishness.  Anytime there is a fight, you can trace it back to a root of someone (or many times, all parties involved) being selfish.

When I feel myself getting irritated, I try so hard to stop and get away by myself for a few minutes and ask God to show me my heart...to reveal the selfishness that I know must be lurking in me.

Tom is just naturally better at not being selfish than I am...or at least not acting out on it maybe.  My desire is to truly be a helper to my spouse and to treat him with the utmost respect.  He could tell you I fail at it much of the time, but I know he appreciates that I strive to honor him.

It is these intentional thoughts, purposeful time-outs with God, and determined times of sharing ourselves with one another that makes our marriage thrive, not merely survive.

To have intentional communication, you can't just be determined to share what you feel.  You have to be determined to listen well, make eye contact, gesture, empathize, show care and concern.

I know there must be so many times that Tom has listened to the same concerns about whether I am messing up the boys homeschooling them or my health issues, etc... but he is so sweet and faithful just to be quiet, let me get it out, and then reassure me that we will get through it with God.

That is where intimacy starts in a marriage.  It's not the bedroom.  It's the couch, the phone, the kitchen...

Thanks for Trying!

You know what I love most about my husband's last post?  That he WANTS to fix it even if he can't...that he even CARES about how I feel and acknowledges there is something wrong instead of ignoring me!

Sadly, I know many women who don't have husbands that care. Their husbands are quite content living in their box of self-centered mirrors, not paying attention to much of what their wife is going through or battling.  I know some husbands that deal with wives like that as well.  It's definitely not one-sided.

I appreciate so much that Tom makes the effort to show he cares and even thinks about me and my junk and how he might lend a hand...an ear...a shoulder.  It shows me that he cherishes me and doesn't see me as a burden he has to tolerate, but rather a friend he wants to help.

Not every woman is emotional or sensitive, but I happen to be both.  :) I cry at the silliest commercials and movies.  I feel deeply.  I love passionately.  I used to LOATHE myself for that.  Seriously, I really hated that about myself when I was younger.  One day, as I was praying for my beautiful niece, who happens to share those traits, the Lord whispered gently to me, "I made her this way.  I made you this way. I have a purpose for your sensitivity.  Tell her that the depth to which she hurts is the depth to which she also loves."  

The longer I sat there in prayer, I realized that we indeed have a gift.  No, it doesn't always feel like a gift when you are young and still ignorant of some things.  However, as I have gained maturity, I have come to realize that most people aren't as compassionate and as empathetic as I am either.  Most people don't see things from many points of view, to discern how a situation may affect/hurt others.  I can easily see that most of the time.

I feel so blessed to have a husband that stood by me and loved me through that growth process!  I feel sad for him, for all he has walked with me through.  I know it wasn't easy, and he kind-of got a double whammy because I have an anxiety disorder too.  If you husbands out there think a "normal" wife's emotions are a lot to live with, you should see one who battles fears that make no sense!  But Tom has been such a rock for me...so patient and kind and long-suffering.  He has shown me a tangible example of true grace right before my eyes.  It has helped me grow in my love and trust of Jesus.  It has taught me how Jesus cares for every detail of my life...that He accepts me just as I am and cheers me on, believing that through His power, I will overcome!

I love this portion of Scripture.  It holds so many deep truths for a successful and joy-filled marriage, but the sad part is that it takes TWO willing parties.  

Instructions for Christian Households

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I highlighted the parts above, not to point out to the husbands what they need to do, but to say that my husband has already CHOSEN to take these words to heart and DO THEM.  Like Tom says, "It is easy to take a bullet for my wife.  It is hard to walk in after a long day of work and do the dishes."

He would rather love himself more...lay down on the couch and veg out, but he CHOOSES to love me as if I am him and do things to be a blessing to me. THAT is true love and submitting to one another like that in our marriage is what has made our marriage a great one!  We didn't always do this.  We hurt each other in the past, but we searched out wisdom for a better way.  Now we reap the rewards of consistent true love.

Tom and I have not done anything that others can't do as well. Neither of us were taught these things.  

We searched, we learned, and we applied.

And now we enjoy.

God gave us the wisdom.  Many sadly ignore it.

So to my adorable husband who gets frustrated that he can't always fix it, I say, "Thanks for trying!  I treasure you."

Why Can't I Fix It?

I like to fix things.  I am, by trade, a repair man, a Field Service Engineer.  When something is broken I get paid to go fix it.  If you give me a manual, some tools, and a general explanation of how something works there is a very good chance that I can figure out a way to make it work again.  Except when it comes to my wife, not "her" per-say, but struggles or issues she may be going through.  Maybe that's because I wasn't given a manual when I got married.  Hey, that's a good idea, someone should write the manual "How To Fix All Her Problems In Seven Easy Steps!"

As a husband and a "fixer" I want to be able to fix it when she comes to me with an issue.  It truly pains me to see her upset!  No, I didn't say she was a pain.  It hurts me when she hurts.  Early in our marriage, those times when she came to me and she was obviously hurting, I wanted her to tell me what I could do to fix it.  It took a while, and a few times of her telling me, for me to realize that she just wanted to be heard, to have someone there by her side, to hold her, and comfort her.  She knew that there was nothing I could really do to make it better right then, but hearing me say that I understood and wanted to help her, that I would be there with her through whatever she was going through, was exactly what she needed.  So I had to learn that the fixer can't always fix it.

Those Fighting Words

Tom mentioned in a past post that we try not to use the words always and never in our home.  

A long time ago, in the beginning of our marriage, we saw a counselor who said some valuable things that really stuck with us. Choosing our words carefully was one of them.

As our children grew, we taught them to not use always and never accusations toward each other as well.  The reason is because what words follow "always" and "never" are RARELY true.

Think about it.  We spew things out of our mouths in anger, like, "You always do this!  You always leave and don't tell me where you are going!"  "You never listen to me!"  "You always take my stuff without asking!"  "You never think about how you make me feel!"

When we launch into accusations like these, we instantly put the other person on the defensive.  Really, we are just asking for a fight!

The counselor also taught us to use "I" statements to express ourselves.  

Instead of, "You always leave your clothes laying all over the place!"  It would be far more productive to say something like, "Sweetheart, when you leave your clothes laying about our room, I feel frustrated.  I feel like you don't respect or appreciate me...like you just expect me to pick up after you.  Could you please make more of an effort to help out in this area?"

I know this is hard.  HARD!  Life gets busy.  We get stressed out and irritable, and we snip at one another.  I fail at this on a regular basis.  Tom is much nicer than me!  God knew what a patient man I needed!  But, I know Tom knows I try and that helps to get us through the times I fail him. 

Another thing to watch for is the retaliation when the other person steps out like this to share how they feel.  So many of us lack compassion and humility that our reaction stinks!  Instead of listening and truly HEARING what is trying to be conveyed, we often get tempted to get defensive and start listing the wrongs of the other person.

We have to remember that we all fall short of perfection each and every day.  Of course there are things we can always point out that the other person failed at, BUT how much more can we grow together if we take turns listening and working on our own actions?

Tom and I have been working at this for the past 20 years!  We still have to watch our mouths and choose to humble ourselves.  What good has it done us?  Well, we truly enjoy being with each other.  

We don't play games with one another.  We don't act conniving and manipulative to control the other.  We recognize we are on the same team and if we help one another, we will enjoy this life much more.

I Love to Know You

Hmmm, well I might discuss the color with you Tom. More than likely, it would just be painted when you returned home.

I guess that might make some husbands mad, but I love that I know it wouldn't you.

I love that I KNOW.

I LOVE THAT I KNOW YOU!

May will mark 18 years that we have been married...20 that we have shared together.

TWENTY years!

That seems crazy, doesn't it? Don't you still feel young? Well, okay, except for our stiffness and the sounds our joints make...and our thinning hair and larger abdomens...

If not for all that, it would seem like we are just as cool and fun as we used to be while only our kids are getting older and hanging out with us!

Oh my how time flies. Whether we are having fun or not, it just keeps on ticking.

I'm so thankful we stuck through the hard times and have enjoyed many, many great ones together babe.

I'm so thankful that I have someone to "know."

How you like your soup. How to fold your pants. Your favorite desserts. Which white t-shirts. No lemon in your tea. Not this brand, that brand. No country music please. How a military home-coming makes you cry. What you are thinking across a room when we catch each other's eye.

I'm sure it's the many separations of our Navy days and your continued work, but I'm glad we have managed to make the most of the time we do get together. I'm glad we have each other to "know." There's such comfort in the familiar! I'm sorry for the times I probably take that for granted.

I treasure you.

The Husband's View of "Not Worth the Broccoli!"

I believe this story shows our unity as a couple. As a husband I decided a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff! I decided to look at every situation and evaluate how important it was to Mindy versus how important it was to me. I even heard Stephen Covey talk about it in "7 Habits for Highly Effective Families" and it confirmed what I thought was the correct way to do things. I felt that if I argued about every little decision that needed to be made, like the color of paint in the bathroom, all my arguments would fall on deaf ears because it would seam that I was arguing just for the sake of arguing. I decided that if the color of the paint in the bathroom was an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 for Mindy and it was only a 3 for me then I wouldn't argue. This has always put me in a position that if something was very important to me Mindy is much more willing to listen. She knows that if I am going to ask her to or not to do something that it must be important to me. Even something as simple as broccoli in my potato soup.

However, if I "always" complained about "everything" (always and everything are not words we use in our relationship, that could be a good post) why would she listen to me. She would think that my broccoli request was just another example of my stubbornness and decide not to honor it. Guess what, the last time she made potato soup she made a small batch for me without any broccoli. And I am sure that if I said I didn't like a color that she was going to use in the house she would be willing to discuss that with me too!

Not Worth Broccoli

We got to go out on a little lunch date before we ran to the grocery store today! Since hubby works out of town so often, it gets a bit tricky to get away for alone time. It was especially sweet since I had just expected to hit the store and get the necessary shopping done. I really loved that husband suggested the impromptu meal! 

As we sat at Panera, and I enjoyed my broccoli and cheddar soup, I said, "I really don't understand why you don't want broccoli in your potato soup at home." 

"Because I don't particularly like broccoli." 

"Yes, I know, but that is why it is such a good option. You don't even taste the broccoli because it is all covered up with the good stuff!"

Husband just stares at me. 

"You still taste the broccoli, huh?"

Husband shakes his head yes. 

Hmph. 

"If I am going to eat a bowl of potato soup, then I want to ENJOY the potatoes without the over-powering taste of broccoli. I'll just keep the broccoli separate and suffer through it on the side."

See...these are seemingly little things that could turn into big deals. I know some women who would think, "Tough mister!" and throw the broccoli in his soup anyway. 

Not me. 

One of the things I use to hear about marriage was that you give 50 percent and he gives 50 percent. 

Then one day I heard someone say, "We don't give 50/50 in our marriage. We give 100/100."

That resonated within me. THAT made sense! I believe one of the reasons my husband and I enjoy a good and happy marriage is because we discussed this and made a decision to give completely of ourselves, holding no selfless love back. I serve him and he serves me.

Love in action. 

It's beautiful. And it's not worth broccoli spoiling it :) 

Welcome!

Welcome to our new blog on marriage, where we will be sharing what we have learned through our years of wedded bliss! 

BLISS????

Well, stay tuned to find out :)