Those Fighting Words

Tom mentioned in a past post that we try not to use the words always and never in our home.  

A long time ago, in the beginning of our marriage, we saw a counselor who said some valuable things that really stuck with us. Choosing our words carefully was one of them.

As our children grew, we taught them to not use always and never accusations toward each other as well.  The reason is because what words follow "always" and "never" are RARELY true.

Think about it.  We spew things out of our mouths in anger, like, "You always do this!  You always leave and don't tell me where you are going!"  "You never listen to me!"  "You always take my stuff without asking!"  "You never think about how you make me feel!"

When we launch into accusations like these, we instantly put the other person on the defensive.  Really, we are just asking for a fight!

The counselor also taught us to use "I" statements to express ourselves.  

Instead of, "You always leave your clothes laying all over the place!"  It would be far more productive to say something like, "Sweetheart, when you leave your clothes laying about our room, I feel frustrated.  I feel like you don't respect or appreciate me...like you just expect me to pick up after you.  Could you please make more of an effort to help out in this area?"

I know this is hard.  HARD!  Life gets busy.  We get stressed out and irritable, and we snip at one another.  I fail at this on a regular basis.  Tom is much nicer than me!  God knew what a patient man I needed!  But, I know Tom knows I try and that helps to get us through the times I fail him. 

Another thing to watch for is the retaliation when the other person steps out like this to share how they feel.  So many of us lack compassion and humility that our reaction stinks!  Instead of listening and truly HEARING what is trying to be conveyed, we often get tempted to get defensive and start listing the wrongs of the other person.

We have to remember that we all fall short of perfection each and every day.  Of course there are things we can always point out that the other person failed at, BUT how much more can we grow together if we take turns listening and working on our own actions?

Tom and I have been working at this for the past 20 years!  We still have to watch our mouths and choose to humble ourselves.  What good has it done us?  Well, we truly enjoy being with each other.  

We don't play games with one another.  We don't act conniving and manipulative to control the other.  We recognize we are on the same team and if we help one another, we will enjoy this life much more.