Where Intimacy Begins

Laying down one's life for others is often not easy or enjoyable.

I spoke in the last post about how my husband does this for me on a regular basis by pushing aside what he wants in order to help me.  He works hard at trouble-shooting problems in blood analyzers in hospital labs.  He also drives for long hours in between accounts.  Meanwhile, I homeschool our three sons, get them to all their appointments, and keep the house going.  

By Friday, we are both tired.  We both just want to chill and rest.  But, we also have these boys full of energy and desires to be with friends and do things with their parents together.

It's tricky to make all this run smoothly some weeks.  I want to stop being the disciplinarian when dad comes in and the last thing dad wants to do is bring down the hammer on the kids he loves and hardly sees.

Things like this that arise in a marriage require good, intentional, consistent communication.

It would be very easy for me to get bitter and have a chip on my shoulder about Tom's work schedule (and I have before).  I could even become demanding or give ultimatums about him finding another job.  The thing is that I know Tom loves what he does.

I have watched so many people over the years just hate what they have to do each day to put food on the table, and I just don't ever want to see my husband endure that.  I think that may lead him to become bitter toward me for staying home and not working.

Tom and I prevent these things from creeping in our relationship by committing to one another to share what we are feeling and to try our best to understand even if it isn't a big deal to us individually.

Sometimes just being able to voice your stresses and concerns and have the person you love and trust the most listen, care and validate your feelings can make things better.

I know so many wives that live in fear of telling their husband things. They fear his reaction to them...that they will be yelled at, told they are stupid, asked, "Well, what do you expect me to do?" in a spiteful and nasty tone.  

I know husbands that fear their wife screaming and throwing things or belittling them.

This isn't God's plan for marriage and never has been.

In the book of James, we are told that the basis of all quarrels is selfishness.  Anytime there is a fight, you can trace it back to a root of someone (or many times, all parties involved) being selfish.

When I feel myself getting irritated, I try so hard to stop and get away by myself for a few minutes and ask God to show me my heart...to reveal the selfishness that I know must be lurking in me.

Tom is just naturally better at not being selfish than I am...or at least not acting out on it maybe.  My desire is to truly be a helper to my spouse and to treat him with the utmost respect.  He could tell you I fail at it much of the time, but I know he appreciates that I strive to honor him.

It is these intentional thoughts, purposeful time-outs with God, and determined times of sharing ourselves with one another that makes our marriage thrive, not merely survive.

To have intentional communication, you can't just be determined to share what you feel.  You have to be determined to listen well, make eye contact, gesture, empathize, show care and concern.

I know there must be so many times that Tom has listened to the same concerns about whether I am messing up the boys homeschooling them or my health issues, etc... but he is so sweet and faithful just to be quiet, let me get it out, and then reassure me that we will get through it with God.

That is where intimacy starts in a marriage.  It's not the bedroom.  It's the couch, the phone, the kitchen...