Humility & Forgiveness

After Tom and I went through the initial hurt in the beginning of marriage, I had a lot of work to do with the Lord regarding my heart.

You see, I felt like I wasn't enough.  

If I had been prettier, smarter, thinner... then maybe he wouldn't have made the choices he did, and I wouldn't be hurting!

I beat myself down.  Every insecurity I had ever carried came bubbling to the surface.  I felt disgusting.  And to be honest, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt like he settled for me instead of chose me.  

Everybody wants to be chosen.  Even God.

At that time, I really did not have a clue why Tom married me.  I couldn't figure it out.  His younger sister was one of my closest friends since we were young, so all I could come up with is that he must have thought he wanted to marry me, then realized I wasn't really what he wanted, but then felt too bad to hurt me by calling it off!!!  I know, it doesn't make much sense now, but I somehow convinced myself that was the truth then.  

I thought about calling it off myself, but then thought about how God hates divorce and how disappointed people would be in us.  So, I just resigned myself, thinking I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it...literally.

I had the ridiculous notion that I could pretend...just be numb and go through the motions, forever if need be.  Of course that was unsustainable!  At some point, you have to be human and not robotic!  Eventually I just became very angry and began to slip into an isolating depression.

I knew I had to do something, and you have to know that I was not going to trust anyone to truly help me.  Who could I trust and believe at that point!  I somehow ended up buying a book about forgiveness.  Something on the cover about "Not forgiving will hold you hostage!" got my attention.  No one was going to keep me bound.  NO ONE.

I remember that book made me cry.  A lot.  All the anger gave way to grief and mourning over what I thought we had.  

I didn't want to forgive Tom.  Forgiving him felt like I was saying what he did was no big deal and he didn't have to pay for it!

I wanted him to pay.  I wanted him to hurt like I hurt.  I wanted him to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it.  I wanted him to squirm and wonder if at some point all of it would come back to bite him in the butt!

I was NOT in a good place.  It makes me so sad to think back on it all now.

Finally, I got to the part of that stinkin' book that said basically, "Who are you to withhold forgiveness when your sin is just as despicable and you want others to forgive you!"

OUCH!

Ok...I had some forgiving to do for multiple reasons.

I came to understand forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is NOT saying what was done to me was okay.  It wasn't letting my perpetrators off the hook; it was about setting myself free!

Some days I had to say aloud several times...every time a hurtful thought came...that I forgive my husband and ask the Lord to bless him.

That's a key:  asking the Lord to bless the other person.

Talk about learning humility.  Ugh!