Like A Comfy Shoe

So husband and I just returned from the posh trip he earned at a stunning Mexican Riviera resort. My oh my was that place something!

It was great to have nearly a week alone together without the distractions and busy schedules of real life.

I think what I love most about times like that is seeing how much we enjoy being together just as a couple. It's very easy to get so caught up in the daily grind that you lose any real depth of friendship with your spouse. It's like after children come along, most of your conversations and interaction is around them or about them.

It takes devoted intention by both people to remain connected and intimate. I really believe the work my husband has always done has helped us to remain dedicated. For years, he went to sea for months at a time and now he is gone the majority of the week. We quickly realized that we didn't want the time we do have together to be filled with fighting over trivial things or wasted.

As we were together on the trip, hanging out with his coworker, whose wife walked out on him after 25 years, we both found ourselves feeling very thankful.

We agreed that it was nice being with someone we are so comfortable with. We don't want to date again or get used to another person. We enjoy what we have...like an ole comfy shoe!

And I love that there are still things I'm learning about the man I have treasured for twenty years of my life!

Marriage is so beautiful when both parties are willing to give it their all.

Humility & Forgiveness

After Tom and I went through the initial hurt in the beginning of marriage, I had a lot of work to do with the Lord regarding my heart.

You see, I felt like I wasn't enough.  

If I had been prettier, smarter, thinner... then maybe he wouldn't have made the choices he did, and I wouldn't be hurting!

I beat myself down.  Every insecurity I had ever carried came bubbling to the surface.  I felt disgusting.  And to be honest, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt like he settled for me instead of chose me.  

Everybody wants to be chosen.  Even God.

At that time, I really did not have a clue why Tom married me.  I couldn't figure it out.  His younger sister was one of my closest friends since we were young, so all I could come up with is that he must have thought he wanted to marry me, then realized I wasn't really what he wanted, but then felt too bad to hurt me by calling it off!!!  I know, it doesn't make much sense now, but I somehow convinced myself that was the truth then.  

I thought about calling it off myself, but then thought about how God hates divorce and how disappointed people would be in us.  So, I just resigned myself, thinking I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it...literally.

I had the ridiculous notion that I could pretend...just be numb and go through the motions, forever if need be.  Of course that was unsustainable!  At some point, you have to be human and not robotic!  Eventually I just became very angry and began to slip into an isolating depression.

I knew I had to do something, and you have to know that I was not going to trust anyone to truly help me.  Who could I trust and believe at that point!  I somehow ended up buying a book about forgiveness.  Something on the cover about "Not forgiving will hold you hostage!" got my attention.  No one was going to keep me bound.  NO ONE.

I remember that book made me cry.  A lot.  All the anger gave way to grief and mourning over what I thought we had.  

I didn't want to forgive Tom.  Forgiving him felt like I was saying what he did was no big deal and he didn't have to pay for it!

I wanted him to pay.  I wanted him to hurt like I hurt.  I wanted him to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it.  I wanted him to squirm and wonder if at some point all of it would come back to bite him in the butt!

I was NOT in a good place.  It makes me so sad to think back on it all now.

Finally, I got to the part of that stinkin' book that said basically, "Who are you to withhold forgiveness when your sin is just as despicable and you want others to forgive you!"

OUCH!

Ok...I had some forgiving to do for multiple reasons.

I came to understand forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is NOT saying what was done to me was okay.  It wasn't letting my perpetrators off the hook; it was about setting myself free!

Some days I had to say aloud several times...every time a hurtful thought came...that I forgive my husband and ask the Lord to bless him.

That's a key:  asking the Lord to bless the other person.

Talk about learning humility.  Ugh!    

Humility & Transparency

Humility and Transparency

That's what makes a strong relationship.

In the context of marriage, or even engagement, this combination allows a couple to scale the walls that sin and shame try to erect.

I was 19 when I married, and Tom was 25.  I don't think he would have picked such a young bride, but God had other plans. :)

We prepared for our wedding in 7 weeks, and the day after we tied the knot, we started driving toward Washington.  It was a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation...along with some trepidation for both of us I believe.

The unknown was before us, and we thought we were ready for the great adventure.

Enter real life.

One month into our marriage, it all seemed to be falling apart.  You see, I had a dream one night that was very upsetting and come to find out, there was much truth to it in my husband's life.

I will leave the details for him to share if he ever wants to, but suffice it to say, I was hurt deeply and questioning if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

Being the youngest of three children and the only girl in my family, I did live quite a "fairy-tale" life.  My brothers are much older than me, and my parents worked very hard to give me everything I could want or need.  My home wasn't "issue-free," but I was blessed.

You can imagine then, after leaving my daddy's home, where heaven and earth was moved to take the best care of me, the thought of my Knight In Shining Armor doing anything hurtful or betraying me was devastating and rocked me to my core.

Was I naive?  You better believe it.  I think we do a sad injustice to our daughters and sons not preparing them well for reality.  I'm not saying we should crush their hopes and dreams, but give them a more accurate picture for sure.  Sadly, many of these things are not spoken about like they need to be!

I guess I thought that Tom and I would have our junk, but it would be "little, no-big-deal junk."  

What had occurred was pretty big, and it sent me into self-protection mode.  I felt like I didn't really know the guy I had just married.  I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore...not really anyway.  Oh, I wouldn't say that to them, but the guard was up in my mind and it would stay up for years to come.

I'm so thankful now that Tom and I stayed together.  I know we cared for one another, but I think pride kept us there more than anything, especially more than true 1 Corinthians 13 love.  I think we were more concerned with what others would say and think if we divorced.  But, thankfully, below the hurt and deception there was a seed of true affection on which to build.  It was a start.

Humility and transparency began to come, but it would be years before we would walk in it daily.

One of Those Days

I'm having one of those days where I have to purposefully look for the blessing and joy of our circumstances.

My honey works out of town a lot as I have mentioned before on this blog.  I miss his presence.  I miss everything that is him...well, probably not the little trails of messes he leaves around, but everything else :)

This week, he didn't get back in town until late afternoon on Saturday.  We had a dinner after church yesterday, so that took up a bulk of our day.  He came home and fixed computers and put things in order so the boys and I could keep moving along with schoolwork.  He also had to unpack, wash clothes, and repack.

By the time we got to bed last night, I could barely hold me eyes open.  He was up and gone before I ever awoke this morning.

Weeks like this really wear on me and the kids, and I can only assume they wear on Tom as well.

We both have so many responsibilities to keep up with and though we try to be good about saying no and setting boundaries and keeping the most important things top priority, it is hard!

I got up and exercised this morning, trying to be diligent to take the best care of myself since I deal with some chronic illness.  I showered and met with the Lord and then started cleaning up the house.  Dishes, laundry, vacuuming, making the bed... 

The vacuum stopped working correctly.  Cabinet doors are falling off hinges.  The carpet needs stretched because I am tripping over portions of it that are lifting.  Every cabinet and drawer really needs cleaned out, wiped down, and organized again.  I sweep.  I mop.  I drop something and then see the floor closer.  GROSS.

I start to get agitated, feeling like I live in a pig sty, while logically telling myself to chill out because I have a very nice home, clean, running water, working vehicles, a sound income...

Do you ever feel that war in yourself?  Agitated and frustrated, yet knowing you should be walking in utter thanksgiving and your problems are really no big deal on the scale of life?!!!

And really...like I want to ask my husband to do one more thing after he has driven hundreds of miles in a week and worked for hours!

It's one of those days when I battle inside being so thankful for all we have and all my husband is willing to do and just wanting him to be around more.

Help me be thankful today Father.

Where Intimacy Begins

Laying down one's life for others is often not easy or enjoyable.

I spoke in the last post about how my husband does this for me on a regular basis by pushing aside what he wants in order to help me.  He works hard at trouble-shooting problems in blood analyzers in hospital labs.  He also drives for long hours in between accounts.  Meanwhile, I homeschool our three sons, get them to all their appointments, and keep the house going.  

By Friday, we are both tired.  We both just want to chill and rest.  But, we also have these boys full of energy and desires to be with friends and do things with their parents together.

It's tricky to make all this run smoothly some weeks.  I want to stop being the disciplinarian when dad comes in and the last thing dad wants to do is bring down the hammer on the kids he loves and hardly sees.

Things like this that arise in a marriage require good, intentional, consistent communication.

It would be very easy for me to get bitter and have a chip on my shoulder about Tom's work schedule (and I have before).  I could even become demanding or give ultimatums about him finding another job.  The thing is that I know Tom loves what he does.

I have watched so many people over the years just hate what they have to do each day to put food on the table, and I just don't ever want to see my husband endure that.  I think that may lead him to become bitter toward me for staying home and not working.

Tom and I prevent these things from creeping in our relationship by committing to one another to share what we are feeling and to try our best to understand even if it isn't a big deal to us individually.

Sometimes just being able to voice your stresses and concerns and have the person you love and trust the most listen, care and validate your feelings can make things better.

I know so many wives that live in fear of telling their husband things. They fear his reaction to them...that they will be yelled at, told they are stupid, asked, "Well, what do you expect me to do?" in a spiteful and nasty tone.  

I know husbands that fear their wife screaming and throwing things or belittling them.

This isn't God's plan for marriage and never has been.

In the book of James, we are told that the basis of all quarrels is selfishness.  Anytime there is a fight, you can trace it back to a root of someone (or many times, all parties involved) being selfish.

When I feel myself getting irritated, I try so hard to stop and get away by myself for a few minutes and ask God to show me my heart...to reveal the selfishness that I know must be lurking in me.

Tom is just naturally better at not being selfish than I am...or at least not acting out on it maybe.  My desire is to truly be a helper to my spouse and to treat him with the utmost respect.  He could tell you I fail at it much of the time, but I know he appreciates that I strive to honor him.

It is these intentional thoughts, purposeful time-outs with God, and determined times of sharing ourselves with one another that makes our marriage thrive, not merely survive.

To have intentional communication, you can't just be determined to share what you feel.  You have to be determined to listen well, make eye contact, gesture, empathize, show care and concern.

I know there must be so many times that Tom has listened to the same concerns about whether I am messing up the boys homeschooling them or my health issues, etc... but he is so sweet and faithful just to be quiet, let me get it out, and then reassure me that we will get through it with God.

That is where intimacy starts in a marriage.  It's not the bedroom.  It's the couch, the phone, the kitchen...

Thanks for Trying!

You know what I love most about my husband's last post?  That he WANTS to fix it even if he can't...that he even CARES about how I feel and acknowledges there is something wrong instead of ignoring me!

Sadly, I know many women who don't have husbands that care. Their husbands are quite content living in their box of self-centered mirrors, not paying attention to much of what their wife is going through or battling.  I know some husbands that deal with wives like that as well.  It's definitely not one-sided.

I appreciate so much that Tom makes the effort to show he cares and even thinks about me and my junk and how he might lend a hand...an ear...a shoulder.  It shows me that he cherishes me and doesn't see me as a burden he has to tolerate, but rather a friend he wants to help.

Not every woman is emotional or sensitive, but I happen to be both.  :) I cry at the silliest commercials and movies.  I feel deeply.  I love passionately.  I used to LOATHE myself for that.  Seriously, I really hated that about myself when I was younger.  One day, as I was praying for my beautiful niece, who happens to share those traits, the Lord whispered gently to me, "I made her this way.  I made you this way. I have a purpose for your sensitivity.  Tell her that the depth to which she hurts is the depth to which she also loves."  

The longer I sat there in prayer, I realized that we indeed have a gift.  No, it doesn't always feel like a gift when you are young and still ignorant of some things.  However, as I have gained maturity, I have come to realize that most people aren't as compassionate and as empathetic as I am either.  Most people don't see things from many points of view, to discern how a situation may affect/hurt others.  I can easily see that most of the time.

I feel so blessed to have a husband that stood by me and loved me through that growth process!  I feel sad for him, for all he has walked with me through.  I know it wasn't easy, and he kind-of got a double whammy because I have an anxiety disorder too.  If you husbands out there think a "normal" wife's emotions are a lot to live with, you should see one who battles fears that make no sense!  But Tom has been such a rock for me...so patient and kind and long-suffering.  He has shown me a tangible example of true grace right before my eyes.  It has helped me grow in my love and trust of Jesus.  It has taught me how Jesus cares for every detail of my life...that He accepts me just as I am and cheers me on, believing that through His power, I will overcome!

I love this portion of Scripture.  It holds so many deep truths for a successful and joy-filled marriage, but the sad part is that it takes TWO willing parties.  

Instructions for Christian Households

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church— 30 for we are members of his body. 31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”[c] 32 This is a profound mystery—but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

I highlighted the parts above, not to point out to the husbands what they need to do, but to say that my husband has already CHOSEN to take these words to heart and DO THEM.  Like Tom says, "It is easy to take a bullet for my wife.  It is hard to walk in after a long day of work and do the dishes."

He would rather love himself more...lay down on the couch and veg out, but he CHOOSES to love me as if I am him and do things to be a blessing to me. THAT is true love and submitting to one another like that in our marriage is what has made our marriage a great one!  We didn't always do this.  We hurt each other in the past, but we searched out wisdom for a better way.  Now we reap the rewards of consistent true love.

Tom and I have not done anything that others can't do as well. Neither of us were taught these things.  

We searched, we learned, and we applied.

And now we enjoy.

God gave us the wisdom.  Many sadly ignore it.

So to my adorable husband who gets frustrated that he can't always fix it, I say, "Thanks for trying!  I treasure you."

Why Can't I Fix It?

I like to fix things.  I am, by trade, a repair man, a Field Service Engineer.  When something is broken I get paid to go fix it.  If you give me a manual, some tools, and a general explanation of how something works there is a very good chance that I can figure out a way to make it work again.  Except when it comes to my wife, not "her" per-say, but struggles or issues she may be going through.  Maybe that's because I wasn't given a manual when I got married.  Hey, that's a good idea, someone should write the manual "How To Fix All Her Problems In Seven Easy Steps!"

As a husband and a "fixer" I want to be able to fix it when she comes to me with an issue.  It truly pains me to see her upset!  No, I didn't say she was a pain.  It hurts me when she hurts.  Early in our marriage, those times when she came to me and she was obviously hurting, I wanted her to tell me what I could do to fix it.  It took a while, and a few times of her telling me, for me to realize that she just wanted to be heard, to have someone there by her side, to hold her, and comfort her.  She knew that there was nothing I could really do to make it better right then, but hearing me say that I understood and wanted to help her, that I would be there with her through whatever she was going through, was exactly what she needed.  So I had to learn that the fixer can't always fix it.