I Wish I Had...

I was thinking today about how grateful I am for my sweet husband. 

I fight shame when I look back over all our years together and think about the time I wasted being scared that he would hurt me. I hate to admit that I held his past choices against him. I wasn't trying to be mean; I was just so consumed with fear. It's truly terrible what fear can do to relationships, especially a marriage. I wish I hadn't been captive by fear.

I wish it hadn't taken me until I was in my 40's to find the rest of God that I live in now. I'm not sure what all I could've done differently. I spent years reading everything I could, trying to learn how to do it successfully...whatever that means. I'm thankful to live in the peace that passes understanding now.

We've both grown so much. I truly can say that I enjoy just being with him. It's heartbreaking how many couples don't even know how to just be with one another after their kids grow up. I don't want that to be our story!

I wish I had learned how to communicate openly and in love much sooner than I did. I rejoice that I have a husband who desires to understand me. I sure have been a pain in the butt I bet!

I wish I had been able to relax more when I was younger. I wish I hadn't been so overly concerned with trying to be the perfect wife and mother that I didn't make time to be one when I should have.

Things could've been different, but they have made us into the couple we are today. And that's okay...because I like us. I really, really like us. We do together well. And today, I'm just really thankful about that! :)

Launching Out Our First Graduate!

A week before celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary, our oldest son turned 18 and is now finishing up his senior year of high school! It's quite a month of milestones around here.

This past Saturday we had a huge party for him, and it was so amazing to see the people who have walked with us along our parenting journey.

I may have collapsed with tears into my husband's arms Saturday night when it was all over. Months of busy planning and decisions about Garrison's life and future had culminated into this sweet day of love and celebration.

It's wild to look at the love of your life and reflect on all the highs and lows you have walked through together. Now, we are launching an adult out into the world. It just seems unreal!

20th Anniversary!

20 years!!!

How crazy is that? Today marks 20 years of marriage for Tom and me!

Wow, have we been through some stuff! But, we stuck it out. We stayed together. We chose to lay down our selfishness and CHOOSE the ACTIONS of love instead of the feelings of the moments.

We've had such a different journey than many people...so many stretches of time apart because of the military and jobs. I think it's made us appreciate our time together more though. We've come to recognize how trivial so many disagreements are!

I'm so grateful that we work at our friendship and enjoy being together even more after all this time.

How sweet it is to look back at all we've walked through together. How amazing to see the beauty that has come from our ashes.

At 19 years old, I left home with dreams in my heart of a happily ever after with my knight in shining armor! It didn't take long before it seemed more like a nightmare that starred an ogre and a maid! Ha!

The fairy tale seemed shattered, and I realized how little I knew about real life. Our marriage seemed over before it even felt like it had time to begin.

If not for the grace of God, we wouldn't have made it. I remember reading a book about how to pray for my husband, and that lady author had the nerve to suggest that he may not be the problem! I think I threw that book down three times before I allowed God to begin the work on MY heart.

We both brought garbage to our union. We both needed to be gutted, cleaned and restored!

We yielded.

We allowed the Lord to wash us by His Word and transform us into His image.

Now, we choose patience, kindness, gentleness, self-control...

We decided to open our eyes and play on the same team instead of against each other.

I'm so thankful we did.

Here's to another 20 and beyond Babe! I would do it all again.

You are everything I never knew I always wanted.

I treasure you.

Helping in Hard Times

Watching your spouse go through a difficult situation and not being able to help much feels awful. We have had two of those situations over the last week. 

What do you do in those times? That's what I want to share about today.

1. Pray~Too often, as Christians, we say stupid things like, "Well, all we can do now is pray." Prayer should be our first response, not our last resort! Prayer moves mountains if you believe. I choose to believe God.

2. Serve~Look for ways to make general life easier or more enjoyable for your beloved. Take on some of their tasks. Make their favorite meal or desert. 

3. Give~Surprise them with a little gift...an unexpected note, card, or inexpensive present that just lets them know you are thinking of them. 

4. Affirm~Remind them that they aren't alone in their trial and that you believe in their ability to get through this time with honor and grace. Thank them for all they do to help you through life.

5. Encourage~Spur them on to be thankful in all situations and to stay focused on all the things that are going well in their life.

Thankful

My thoughts have been consumed with how I'm thankful I am to be married since I read my friend Julie's blog the other day. 

She went on a "self-imposed retreat" to get alone and do some thinking and praying.

(You can read her post here: 

http://trainupforeternity.blogspot.com/2016/01/second-year-of-mourning.html )

Julie has been on an excruciating journey. She had to watch her little son and then her beloved husband pass on due to cancer.

I don't even pretend to know an inkling of the pain she has endured. I pray I never ever know. I can't imagine that I would handle it with the strength it seems she has, although, I know she has done so by the grace of God and so hopefully, I could.

As she walked along a path in her time alone, she listened for God to speak to her through the pictures of His creation. Her insights were beautiful and profound. They blessed me as her friend. I was glad to hear her heart and see a glimpse of her thought processes.

I found myself aching over her empty marriage bed. I had to stop and thank the Lord for my husband. I had a huge lump in my throat just thinking about how much I would miss his presence. 

No one can touch me like my husband. I don't even mean sexually. I mean no one can touch that intimate spot that is reserved for Tom alone in all of my life. I was really struck with the realization of what Julie must feel. 

every. single. day.

Ugh. 

Thank you, God, for holding my friend and healing her heart. 

Thank you for the gift of my husband. Forgive me for the times I take him for granted. Remind me that he is indeed a gift to be treasured and honored. 

Please help everyone out there who needs your healing touch on their marriage. Soften hearts and strengthen communication Lord. 

We need you. 

Wherever we are, we need you.

Confirmation in Unity

I was thinking the other day about how many times God has confirmed things between my husband and me over the years.

I would think I was hearing an instruction from God or Tom would...or one of us would be praying about something specific, and we would ask the Lord to show the other without us saying anything so that we could know that we know that we know it is His will.

He has been so gracious and faithful to do this. We shouldn't be surprised. He wants to communicate with us. He wants us to follow His plan.

Now I find myself in that place again. I thought I heard an instruction the other day. I hope I did. But, honestly, I'm a bit cautious and wanting to know for sure if it's God because I have a lot of emotions regarding this.

So I wait.

I pray.

I thank God for speaking to my husband and leading us.

I thank God for a husband who seeks the Lord.

I want us to be about our Father's business together.

In unity.

In harmony.

Speak Lord.

Please Don't Settle!

Do you ever wonder about your marriage? Do you ever think about where your marriage is and think is this as good as it gets? Do I just need to be content with this?

I had a friend contact me the other day asking these things. She has been married for over half her life now. Her husband is what you would consider a "good man," by many people's standards. Their home flows and functions and they move through each day.

He works; she works. He does things around the house; she does things around the house. He helps with the kids; she helps with the kids. They have sex regularly.

On a daily basis, they do what they need to do. They get the to-do list boxes checked off and meet the deadlines, bringing home the bacon and paying the bills to enjoy their "American dream."

From the outside, it looks like everything is fine. They don't scream and fight in front of everybody. They are pleasant. They go to church. They lead in the church. Their children are sweet, beautiful, well-dressed and groomed kids. They are obedient and respectful to others.

Everything seems good. So, why is she asking me these questions?

Because when they finally got away for a much-needed break from the busy life and all the daily requirements, she realized they didn't know how to be together. 

When the kids were taken out of the equation...when there was no string of daily tasks to do and they were left with quiet, calm, time together, they didn't know how to handle it.

This prompted her to ask is this as good as it gets? Do I just need to be content with what we do have?

It pained me to have to sit there pondering how to answer this question. On one hand, I wanted to tell her to just be thankful for what she has because so many don't even have that. But, on the other hand, I wanted to shout, "Noooooo!"

In the end, I did say, "No, that's not as good as it gets. Don't settle." 

Of course, I did say more than that and we are still talking, but in short, I had to say what I knew to be God's truth.

You see, my husband and I have done it that way. We have merely coexisted, but we have also worked very hard to get past difficult things and learned to communicate effectively. We have together decided that we aren't going to settle for just doing life under the same roof.

My husband and I have decided to continue to learn about one another, to not be afraid of making each other mad, rubbing the other the wrong way, saying what needs to be said to bring understanding. We have watched other couples, and we talked it over. We have no desire to be a couple who has no friendship.

When we get away from the kids and life's daily responsibilities, we actually enjoy being together. We still have things to talk about. We like to go to new places and see new things together. We discuss what it will be like when our children leave our home. We don't dread that season. We think about all the things we can enjoy together.

So, when my friend asked me if what she has is as good as it gets, I had to truthfully say no, no it's not and I don't believe God wants anyone to settle for a marriage like that.

Does God want you to be content? Yes. Yes, in all things and situations. But that doesn't mean to settle and never pursue how to love fully and passionately.