Be Bold!

Good Wednesday to you friends :)

Just a bit ago I received a text from my hubby that said, "Praying for you."

There is probably nothing that Tom does for me that means more than praying for me.

That wasn't just a random text.  That was a reminder that he heard what I conveyed through a text to him last night.

I am going to a pretty big check-up today to see how all the surgery stuff is coming along.  Ever since my surgery in July, I've been dealing with some anxiety attacks when I go into doctor offices.

It doesn't matter how much I tell myself everything is okay and to calm down.  My body just physically has been responding with shaking and sweating and my heart races.

Tom has been with me and witnessed this, so when I sent the text last night before bed to pray for me as I go to the doctor tomorrow, he didn't just respond with, "ok" or "I will."  He responded with an actual prayer that I could read.

Then today, as he is in another state with work that is probably consuming his brain, he took the time to stop and text me that he is praying for me.  Right then and as I go...and as he works...

I don't know that I can even express why this means so much to me. Of course we all like to know we are thought about during someone's day and that we mean enough that they would stop just to let us know, but what this makes me feel is beyond that.

There is just something so sweet to my soul that I experience when Tom prays for me.  To me, when he lays his hand upon me and calls out to the God of the universe on my behalf, allowing me to hear his inward thoughts, I don't know...it's just so intimate to me...more than anything else.

Hearing Tom pray fills me with hope, peace, and security.  

I really enjoy when he surprises me with a gift that he remembers I mentioned I would like.  I love when, even though he is tired himself, he will clean up the kitchen after I've cooked or just had a long day.  But, when he prays over me, it just blesses me in ways like nothing else can.

Maybe it's because the position of prayer to God is so vulnerable. Maybe it's because men don't often easily let us hear what they feel. Maybe it's just because it makes me feel like I'm pretty special to him that he will take the time to go to God on my behalf.

All I know is that it is like the best gift...the best kiss...the sweetest surprise...all rolled into one and my soul feels like it is bursting with love.

I remember a time when Tom told me it was hard for him to pray with me because I love to pray and he thinks I do it "better" than him.  Of course, that made me chuckle, but it was a real roadblock for him.  After I explained how his praying over me made me feel, he began to do it more and more.

So, today, I challenge you to take the time to push past awkward, throw off self-consciousness, and let your spouse hear you cry out to God on their behalf.  

I truly believe this is one of the most powerful things a husband and wife can do together to bring unity in their marriage...which extends to their family, friends, church, community...

Be bold today! 

A Matter of Choice

On Sunday afternoon, my husband and I entered into a discussion while out driving.  It didn't last all that long, but it sure accomplished much for my heart and hopefully for his as well.  It brought understanding and showed us how to pray for one another.

I had to say some things that I wasn't sure he would take well.  I mean, I always know that I'm blessed with a man who listens more than he talks...who seeks to understand me...who thinks before he speaks (sometimes so long that I wanna smack him! :)...who truly wants to do what is best for others and himself.

But, even after 20 years of being together, I still get nervous to say things sometimes.  I wonder if he does too.

I wasn't always good at just coming forth and saying what I was thinking or feeling.  From past experiences, I was afraid of rejection or attack and trapped in insecurity.  Wow, when I think back on how much easier our marriage relationship would have been if I could have communicated better!

It's been a lot of work to get to where we are.  Well, more like a lot of choices.  I've been speaking to some women and girls lately about just pushing past what feels awkward and choosing to do what needs done.

If we could all get to a place where we could speak the truth in love with one another!  Shew...can you even imagine how much better life would be?

That in love phrase is the kicker part though, isn't it?  

Many of us, if we can be brave enough to speak up, usually don't do it "in love."  It is usually in haste or disgust or frustration...

I found myself wondering today how different the drive Sunday with my sweetheart would have been if either of us hadn't chosen to speak in love.

I bet we wouldn't have come to the realizations and resolutions we did.  I bet one of us would have cried.  (Of course I mean Tom!)  I bet our kids would have felt that sick-to-your-stomach feeling I always felt (and still feel when people get ugly with each other).

How much different would our home be if we hadn't taken the time to learn what we have from leaders and books and friends and each other???

I look around me and see so many people in turmoil.  

I see men who look like they are brooding and angry at the world, dreading to walk into their home each night.

I see women with pursed lips and glaring eyes and hear their mumbling under their breath toward their husbands.

I see children who look like they are holding back tears and scared to utter a word or do something wrong...like they have to walk on eggshells all the time so they don't play a part in rocking the boat.

My husband and I aren't amazing people.  We aren't doing anything that others can't do.  We just chose to learn how to handle ourselves differently.  Then we chose to humble ourselves and walk out what we learned.

Sure we mess up.  We certainly don't always agree.  We just love each other and our children enough to stay determined to have a happy home.  

No matter what that takes or how we have to crucify our selfishness, we are resolute in this stand for our family.

Some things really are a matter of choice.

No Greater Love

It is now August! We've been out of the loop for a while... getting ready for my surgery, dealing with my surgery, and surviving through my recovery.

I'll share more details about the surgery on our family blog, but what I'd like to say here, on this blog about our marriage, is that I am blessed with a wonderfully caring husband.

In short, there was a complication in my surgery that, in a matter of moments, took my recovery from one level of neediness to quite another.

Tom is my rock. He keeps me grounded, focused, and calm when chaos ensues.

He never showed anxiety through this whole ordeal. A lot of that is just his natural personality and the result of being raised in strong faith and not fear. However, even in times when things have unnerved him, he just stays peaceful under pressure with me. It's such a gift to a wife who has struggled with anxiety for so long.

There were moments during this surgery season when my body was literally quaking and my mind felt like a fog had set in for the duration! I felt confused and weak, overwhelmed and exhausted.

And no matter what, there he would be...my husband, ever present in my time of need.

He would speak. He would gently touch me. He would pray over me. He would bring my focus back and calm me down, reassuring me that everything would be okay...that I would be okay and that I was not alone.

A complete hysterectomy with the complication of an accidently severed ureter has been a humbling and hard experience. To have someone so resolute and compassionate by my side made this whole thing much easier to endure.

My husband has served me in every way imaginable in a recovery, and he has done so with a joyful heart. Even when I was snippy with my tongue from pain or melting down in tears through a hormonal sweat, Tom has been nothing but loving and patient.

He has bathed me, fed me, massaged my aching body, changed me, emptied a catheter bag...he has "washed my feet."

I have thanked him many times. His response: "I'm just trying to do what I believe you would do for me. "

And I would do all those things for him. That's what makes our marriage what it is. There's nothing magical about it. There's nothing we do that others cannot. We simply choose to lay down our life for our friend. Greater love has no one than that.

I rejoice that we have learned this lesson because it sure makes weathering life's storms much easier!

Thank you my love. 

I treasure you.

I Was Injured...Injured Bad!

Ever wonder how even just one comment can cut you to the quick?

The other day we journeyed out as a little family to run some errands, buy some boy shorts for the ever-growing weeds, and have some lunch...you know, an actual sit-down-as-family meal (because with a traveling hubby/daddy that doesn't happen often for us).

It's not enough that it's so scorching hot outside and just walking from a building to the vehicle makes your clothing damp.  Or...that the children still pick at each other in the backseat.  Noooo, then your knight in shining armor has to go and say something that sounds rude as all get out and makes your head about snap off as you whip it around to give him the glare of death!

Are you kidding me???  Did you really just say that to me?

It never ceases to amaze me all the horrid thoughts that run through a human head in a matter of seconds!

Wow, words are powerful.  Throw in tone of voice and facial expression and you can have a real whopping good time of injury!

Of course throw in agitation from hormonal sweating and mood swings and the fighting children and you can also have a whopping misunderstanding.

Well, I hope the man can at least be thankful that I react better than I use to :)  Poor ole thing.  I don't know how he puts up with me. (But he best not say that again!)

:) :) :) :)

(Tom, if you read this, picture me with my hand over my heart in pain please! bhaaaaa)

Like A Comfy Shoe

So husband and I just returned from the posh trip he earned at a stunning Mexican Riviera resort. My oh my was that place something!

It was great to have nearly a week alone together without the distractions and busy schedules of real life.

I think what I love most about times like that is seeing how much we enjoy being together just as a couple. It's very easy to get so caught up in the daily grind that you lose any real depth of friendship with your spouse. It's like after children come along, most of your conversations and interaction is around them or about them.

It takes devoted intention by both people to remain connected and intimate. I really believe the work my husband has always done has helped us to remain dedicated. For years, he went to sea for months at a time and now he is gone the majority of the week. We quickly realized that we didn't want the time we do have together to be filled with fighting over trivial things or wasted.

As we were together on the trip, hanging out with his coworker, whose wife walked out on him after 25 years, we both found ourselves feeling very thankful.

We agreed that it was nice being with someone we are so comfortable with. We don't want to date again or get used to another person. We enjoy what we have...like an ole comfy shoe!

And I love that there are still things I'm learning about the man I have treasured for twenty years of my life!

Marriage is so beautiful when both parties are willing to give it their all.

Humility & Forgiveness

After Tom and I went through the initial hurt in the beginning of marriage, I had a lot of work to do with the Lord regarding my heart.

You see, I felt like I wasn't enough.  

If I had been prettier, smarter, thinner... then maybe he wouldn't have made the choices he did, and I wouldn't be hurting!

I beat myself down.  Every insecurity I had ever carried came bubbling to the surface.  I felt disgusting.  And to be honest, I felt like I wasn't what he wanted.  I felt like he settled for me instead of chose me.  

Everybody wants to be chosen.  Even God.

At that time, I really did not have a clue why Tom married me.  I couldn't figure it out.  His younger sister was one of my closest friends since we were young, so all I could come up with is that he must have thought he wanted to marry me, then realized I wasn't really what he wanted, but then felt too bad to hurt me by calling it off!!!  I know, it doesn't make much sense now, but I somehow convinced myself that was the truth then.  

I thought about calling it off myself, but then thought about how God hates divorce and how disappointed people would be in us.  So, I just resigned myself, thinking I had made my bed and now I had to lie in it...literally.

I had the ridiculous notion that I could pretend...just be numb and go through the motions, forever if need be.  Of course that was unsustainable!  At some point, you have to be human and not robotic!  Eventually I just became very angry and began to slip into an isolating depression.

I knew I had to do something, and you have to know that I was not going to trust anyone to truly help me.  Who could I trust and believe at that point!  I somehow ended up buying a book about forgiveness.  Something on the cover about "Not forgiving will hold you hostage!" got my attention.  No one was going to keep me bound.  NO ONE.

I remember that book made me cry.  A lot.  All the anger gave way to grief and mourning over what I thought we had.  

I didn't want to forgive Tom.  Forgiving him felt like I was saying what he did was no big deal and he didn't have to pay for it!

I wanted him to pay.  I wanted him to hurt like I hurt.  I wanted him to spend the rest of his life trying to make up for it.  I wanted him to squirm and wonder if at some point all of it would come back to bite him in the butt!

I was NOT in a good place.  It makes me so sad to think back on it all now.

Finally, I got to the part of that stinkin' book that said basically, "Who are you to withhold forgiveness when your sin is just as despicable and you want others to forgive you!"

OUCH!

Ok...I had some forgiving to do for multiple reasons.

I came to understand forgiveness is a choice, not a feeling. Forgiveness is NOT saying what was done to me was okay.  It wasn't letting my perpetrators off the hook; it was about setting myself free!

Some days I had to say aloud several times...every time a hurtful thought came...that I forgive my husband and ask the Lord to bless him.

That's a key:  asking the Lord to bless the other person.

Talk about learning humility.  Ugh!    

Humility & Transparency

Humility and Transparency

That's what makes a strong relationship.

In the context of marriage, or even engagement, this combination allows a couple to scale the walls that sin and shame try to erect.

I was 19 when I married, and Tom was 25.  I don't think he would have picked such a young bride, but God had other plans. :)

We prepared for our wedding in 7 weeks, and the day after we tied the knot, we started driving toward Washington.  It was a whirlwind of excitement and anticipation...along with some trepidation for both of us I believe.

The unknown was before us, and we thought we were ready for the great adventure.

Enter real life.

One month into our marriage, it all seemed to be falling apart.  You see, I had a dream one night that was very upsetting and come to find out, there was much truth to it in my husband's life.

I will leave the details for him to share if he ever wants to, but suffice it to say, I was hurt deeply and questioning if I had made the biggest mistake of my life.

Being the youngest of three children and the only girl in my family, I did live quite a "fairy-tale" life.  My brothers are much older than me, and my parents worked very hard to give me everything I could want or need.  My home wasn't "issue-free," but I was blessed.

You can imagine then, after leaving my daddy's home, where heaven and earth was moved to take the best care of me, the thought of my Knight In Shining Armor doing anything hurtful or betraying me was devastating and rocked me to my core.

Was I naive?  You better believe it.  I think we do a sad injustice to our daughters and sons not preparing them well for reality.  I'm not saying we should crush their hopes and dreams, but give them a more accurate picture for sure.  Sadly, many of these things are not spoken about like they need to be!

I guess I thought that Tom and I would have our junk, but it would be "little, no-big-deal junk."  

What had occurred was pretty big, and it sent me into self-protection mode.  I felt like I didn't really know the guy I had just married.  I felt like I couldn't trust anyone anymore...not really anyway.  Oh, I wouldn't say that to them, but the guard was up in my mind and it would stay up for years to come.

I'm so thankful now that Tom and I stayed together.  I know we cared for one another, but I think pride kept us there more than anything, especially more than true 1 Corinthians 13 love.  I think we were more concerned with what others would say and think if we divorced.  But, thankfully, below the hurt and deception there was a seed of true affection on which to build.  It was a start.

Humility and transparency began to come, but it would be years before we would walk in it daily.