Those Fighting Words

Tom mentioned in a past post that we try not to use the words always and never in our home.  

A long time ago, in the beginning of our marriage, we saw a counselor who said some valuable things that really stuck with us. Choosing our words carefully was one of them.

As our children grew, we taught them to not use always and never accusations toward each other as well.  The reason is because what words follow "always" and "never" are RARELY true.

Think about it.  We spew things out of our mouths in anger, like, "You always do this!  You always leave and don't tell me where you are going!"  "You never listen to me!"  "You always take my stuff without asking!"  "You never think about how you make me feel!"

When we launch into accusations like these, we instantly put the other person on the defensive.  Really, we are just asking for a fight!

The counselor also taught us to use "I" statements to express ourselves.  

Instead of, "You always leave your clothes laying all over the place!"  It would be far more productive to say something like, "Sweetheart, when you leave your clothes laying about our room, I feel frustrated.  I feel like you don't respect or appreciate me...like you just expect me to pick up after you.  Could you please make more of an effort to help out in this area?"

I know this is hard.  HARD!  Life gets busy.  We get stressed out and irritable, and we snip at one another.  I fail at this on a regular basis.  Tom is much nicer than me!  God knew what a patient man I needed!  But, I know Tom knows I try and that helps to get us through the times I fail him. 

Another thing to watch for is the retaliation when the other person steps out like this to share how they feel.  So many of us lack compassion and humility that our reaction stinks!  Instead of listening and truly HEARING what is trying to be conveyed, we often get tempted to get defensive and start listing the wrongs of the other person.

We have to remember that we all fall short of perfection each and every day.  Of course there are things we can always point out that the other person failed at, BUT how much more can we grow together if we take turns listening and working on our own actions?

Tom and I have been working at this for the past 20 years!  We still have to watch our mouths and choose to humble ourselves.  What good has it done us?  Well, we truly enjoy being with each other.  

We don't play games with one another.  We don't act conniving and manipulative to control the other.  We recognize we are on the same team and if we help one another, we will enjoy this life much more.

I Love to Know You

Hmmm, well I might discuss the color with you Tom. More than likely, it would just be painted when you returned home.

I guess that might make some husbands mad, but I love that I know it wouldn't you.

I love that I KNOW.

I LOVE THAT I KNOW YOU!

May will mark 18 years that we have been married...20 that we have shared together.

TWENTY years!

That seems crazy, doesn't it? Don't you still feel young? Well, okay, except for our stiffness and the sounds our joints make...and our thinning hair and larger abdomens...

If not for all that, it would seem like we are just as cool and fun as we used to be while only our kids are getting older and hanging out with us!

Oh my how time flies. Whether we are having fun or not, it just keeps on ticking.

I'm so thankful we stuck through the hard times and have enjoyed many, many great ones together babe.

I'm so thankful that I have someone to "know."

How you like your soup. How to fold your pants. Your favorite desserts. Which white t-shirts. No lemon in your tea. Not this brand, that brand. No country music please. How a military home-coming makes you cry. What you are thinking across a room when we catch each other's eye.

I'm sure it's the many separations of our Navy days and your continued work, but I'm glad we have managed to make the most of the time we do get together. I'm glad we have each other to "know." There's such comfort in the familiar! I'm sorry for the times I probably take that for granted.

I treasure you.

The Husband's View of "Not Worth the Broccoli!"

I believe this story shows our unity as a couple. As a husband I decided a long time ago not to sweat the small stuff! I decided to look at every situation and evaluate how important it was to Mindy versus how important it was to me. I even heard Stephen Covey talk about it in "7 Habits for Highly Effective Families" and it confirmed what I thought was the correct way to do things. I felt that if I argued about every little decision that needed to be made, like the color of paint in the bathroom, all my arguments would fall on deaf ears because it would seam that I was arguing just for the sake of arguing. I decided that if the color of the paint in the bathroom was an 8 on a scale of 1 to 10 for Mindy and it was only a 3 for me then I wouldn't argue. This has always put me in a position that if something was very important to me Mindy is much more willing to listen. She knows that if I am going to ask her to or not to do something that it must be important to me. Even something as simple as broccoli in my potato soup.

However, if I "always" complained about "everything" (always and everything are not words we use in our relationship, that could be a good post) why would she listen to me. She would think that my broccoli request was just another example of my stubbornness and decide not to honor it. Guess what, the last time she made potato soup she made a small batch for me without any broccoli. And I am sure that if I said I didn't like a color that she was going to use in the house she would be willing to discuss that with me too!

Not Worth Broccoli

We got to go out on a little lunch date before we ran to the grocery store today! Since hubby works out of town so often, it gets a bit tricky to get away for alone time. It was especially sweet since I had just expected to hit the store and get the necessary shopping done. I really loved that husband suggested the impromptu meal! 

As we sat at Panera, and I enjoyed my broccoli and cheddar soup, I said, "I really don't understand why you don't want broccoli in your potato soup at home." 

"Because I don't particularly like broccoli." 

"Yes, I know, but that is why it is such a good option. You don't even taste the broccoli because it is all covered up with the good stuff!"

Husband just stares at me. 

"You still taste the broccoli, huh?"

Husband shakes his head yes. 

Hmph. 

"If I am going to eat a bowl of potato soup, then I want to ENJOY the potatoes without the over-powering taste of broccoli. I'll just keep the broccoli separate and suffer through it on the side."

See...these are seemingly little things that could turn into big deals. I know some women who would think, "Tough mister!" and throw the broccoli in his soup anyway. 

Not me. 

One of the things I use to hear about marriage was that you give 50 percent and he gives 50 percent. 

Then one day I heard someone say, "We don't give 50/50 in our marriage. We give 100/100."

That resonated within me. THAT made sense! I believe one of the reasons my husband and I enjoy a good and happy marriage is because we discussed this and made a decision to give completely of ourselves, holding no selfless love back. I serve him and he serves me.

Love in action. 

It's beautiful. And it's not worth broccoli spoiling it :) 

Welcome!

Welcome to our new blog on marriage, where we will be sharing what we have learned through our years of wedded bliss! 

BLISS????

Well, stay tuned to find out :)